


Like Home (Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Zombie Apocalypse)

by drwhorose



Series: Home [1]
Category: Zombieland (2009 2019), Zombieland (2009)
Genre: Age Difference, Anal Fingering, Explicit Consent, First Time, Hand Jobs, M/M, One Shot, Praise Kink, Sexual Tension, columbus got it bad, porn with just enough plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:08:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22651540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drwhorose/pseuds/drwhorose
Summary: “What if I...I don’t know…what if I die a virgin?” I caught my breath, after bashing a hipster zombie complete with beard and skinny jeans in the head for the fifth time.“Whoa, easy there, Columbus. We almost got our brains eaten, and all you can think about is your dick right now?!”*Columbus is lonely and horny and catching feelings for a certain gun-toting redneck. Tallahassee lends a hand.
Relationships: Columbus/Tallahassee (Zombieland)
Series: Home [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1648627
Comments: 10
Kudos: 177





	Like Home (Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Zombie Apocalypse)

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place between Zombieland (2009) and Zombieland: Double Tap (2019). I don't own Zombieland or any of the products mentioned in this fic.

“What if I...I don’t know…what if I die a virgin?” I caught my breath, after bashing a hipster zombie complete with beard and skinny jeans in the head for the fifth time.

“Whoa, easy there, Columbus. We almost got our brains eaten and all you can think about is your dick right now?!”

He didn’t laugh at least. I half-expected him to mock my pathetic confession after our close encounter with a trio of zombies in, you guessed it, the gas station bathroom. Even the double tap hadn’t been enough, and thankfully Tallahassee had the sense to always carry a pistol in his holster after he’d emptied his rifle on the persistent undead. Between my bat and his pistol, we had escaped certain un-death to live another day.

But surviving also meant having to deal with the aftermath of my confession. My ears were burning red. Why did I have to tell Tallahassee that I was a virgin? Why did my mouth betray me like that? He’d never let me hear the end of it, or worse think I was inept and unable to perform when Witchita had been mine, albeit briefly. Not long enough for a courtship in any case. Never mind that she laughed in my face when I referred to sex as making love, asking me where I hid my time machine. Wichita had eyed me like some sad creature, too pathetic even for a pity fuck. “I’m worried about my entire body, of course, but—”

“C’mon. Let’s grab whatever food we can fit in our bags and head for home.”

_Home_. Tallahassee never referred to any of our past houses as such. After Wichita and Little Rock decided to split for Canada, I wasn’t sure if anywhere would feel like home again. The only family I ever really cared about was broken. As much as that rejection tore at my heart...knowing that Tallahassee still believed in home, and that home could just be the two of us, made my whole body tingle with warmth and a new sense of security.

I nodded and went straight for the snack aisle. Chips, cookies, crackers, and canned goods were all that was left to grab in any of these stores. I rifled through the bags, skipping over the Funyuns for something more exciting when I stumbled upon the holy grail. Well, at least, a snack that Tallahassee deemed worthy of the gods. I picked up the lone box of Twinkies, which had been carelessly shoved on the wrong shelf, and stuffed it into my bag. It flabbergasted me that Tallahassee let Twinkies, of all things, slip past his radar. Too busy shoving cans of beans into his duffel bag, I suppose. When had he become the practical one? That was my thing. My only thing, really.

Tallahassee was at the front entrance, pistol cocked and ready, checking for any potential problems before our walk to his truck. “We’re all clear to head to The Beast.”

I touched my ears. Still hot. I couldn’t meet his eyes. My head was spinning with all the potential new nicknames I’d have to put up with, now that I’d revealed this shameful truth. I was a 21-year-old virgin. 

“Let’s go. Move your ass while it’s still clear.” He waved his arm. “These bastards are getting faster.” 

“Ready.” I jogged onward to catch up to him, boxes and flimsy snack bags jangling against my back.

***

“If I never eat baked beans again, it’ll be too soon.” Tallahassee made a face while shoveling in another spoonful of mushy beans into his mouth.

“Agreed.” I took another bite as I sat hunched forward on the couch in our new living room. It was a cozy sort of house in northern California, not too big, so it kept a pleasant room temperature. It had only 1.5 bathrooms, but the only bathtub was massive. With jets. Big enough for two. Running water was a luxury in Zombieland, so I counted this particular bathroom as a double blessing. 

“Guess it could be worse.” Tallahassee shrugged, licking the spoon. “I think there’s some brown sugar in this. Kinda tasty.”

“Mm-hmm.” I’m not sure why but hearing Tallahassee’s tongue lap at the spoon made heat coil in my belly. He seemed to be making out with the utensil, and frankly I was a little jealous. And horny. What I wouldn’t give for some affection. Heck, I’d take a slap upside the head for a hint of human contact. What made things worse, or maybe better, was that twang in Tallahassee’s voice. The way he held onto each word with his tongue, his teeth, his lips. Talking about beans almost felt like he meant something else. Something dirty. But he was right, these baked beans were superior to the red kidney beans from the convenience store that we had picked clean two weeks ago. Our first shopping trip after Wichita and Little Rock left.

“So, uh, I take it you and Wichita, never…” Tallahassee paused, dropping his spoon into the can and looked straight at me.

“No, we didn’t. I’m Mr. Reliable, a guy you marry when civilization and societal convention forces it upon you. I’m not a guy you want to fuck when all hell breaks loose.” I ran a hand through my messy curls, chin dipped so low it bumped the cold, unforgiving rim of the aluminum can.

“Well, I don’t know about all that.” Tallahassee’s gaze drilled holes into my armor. Like he saw right through all my sputtering words and fancy turn of phrase. I didn’t dare look up to check if there was a fire blazing in his blue eyes. 

“Besides, what good are Wichita and Little Rock? Defecting to Canada.” He grunted in disapproval.

“I know, right?” A laugh escaped my pursed lips. “I mean, do they think the zombies will be nicer up there because they’re Canadian?”

Tallahassee guffawed, clapping me on the back. “I hate to break it to them, but a zombie is a zombie is a zombie.” 

I couldn’t be certain but it seemed Tallahassee’s hand lingered on my back, resting a few seconds longer than necessary. It felt nice, that large, capable hand warming my upper back. _Gosh._ I am lonely. 

Or there’s been a shift in how I feel about him. I can’t quite pinpoint when it happened, perhaps a culmination of little things. Like all the times that he let me take the first bath in our last house, because there wasn’t enough hot water. Or when he used my first aid kit to fix up a few scrapes and a gash I had gotten after climbing out of a broken window. How gentle he had been, and patient. It didn’t seem like him at all, but maybe in those soft, quiet moments, that’s who Tallahassee really is. Kind, gentle, and—

A belch that could have woken the living dead interrupted my thoughts. “Damn. Those beans make me gassy.” Tallahassee bent over laughing. “Guess it’s good it came out my mouth instead of my—”

“I got the picture.” I shook my head, watching him wipe tears from his eyes. He cracked himself up. He really did think he was something. And I guess it’s because he kinda was. Not many of us have survived the plague this long. And he was a real Olympian when it came to handling weapons. I caught myself staring more often these days, watching the flex in his biceps whenever he loaded up his rifle or packed up his weapons. Noticing just how ridiculously blue his eyes are. I don’t think he’s noticed my stares, but maybe Wichita had. Had she seen something I didn’t? Maybe that’s why she left.

“I didn’t realize you took it so hard after they left us,” Tallahassee said after riding the last waves of his laughter. His hand was on my back again, and he rubbed small circles under my right shoulder before patting it a few times.

I was starved for affection. Had I arched into that touch, desperate to soak in every ounce of comfort Tallahassee held in his hand? I was pathetic. Before the apocalypse, someone as anxious and nerdy as myself wouldn’t have worked up the nerve to engage in conversation with someone like him. Let alone desire to be close to him, to want to touch him and be touched, to wonder how his mouth tastes, if his stubble would tickle or just burn my embarrassingly sensitive skin if we kissed.

“Something on your mind?” Tallahassee took off his hat and set it on the couch beside him. He only did that when he was really comfortable, relaxed enough to sleep or take a quick power nap. “You look like you’re overthinking it, even by your standards.”

“I, uh, just have a lot on my mind.”

“You don’t need Wichita to lose your virginity. I’m sure there are other survivors. Lonely folk. Might be pretty ones, too.”

“I’m not worried about it anymore.”

“Right. Because you don’t worry about any damn thing,” he sniffed.

“I guess I took it hard, like you said. I was hoping that they would stay. That we could be like a family. And then when they just left...it made me realize I wasn’t safe. That anyone could leave or die at any time.” I paused to glance at him. He was quiet, and seemed to really listen to every word I said. So I went for it. Said what I feared most of all. “Like one day you’ll leave me, too. And then it’ll just be me...and my, uh, right hand.” I forced a laugh, but it sounded more like a sniffle. Because I was crying. A little.

“Hey, now. I ain’t leaving you, not by choice at least. You’re stuck with my redneck ass for good.”

“For good,” I repeated, wiping at my nose with the back of my hand. I curled my knees into my chest and leaned against the couch cushions. To think, in my former life, I made fun of rednecks for sport. Thought I was so much better than them, smarter, more capable. 

“And I get it, trust me. A man’s got needs. Women got needs too, but they don’t get to talk about it in the same way I guess. But in the bedroom, they’ll tell you what they want. How they like it.” Tallahassee rubbed the back of his neck. “Shit. Getting myself riled up just talking about all that. Guess I’m lonely, too.”

“At least you know what you’re missing.” I scooped up the last of the beans onto my spoon. “What if I never—”

“You will.” Tallahassee cleared his throat. “Besides, if you get tired of that right hand of yours, you could always use mine.”

I choked on my spoonful of baked beans. _Holy shit. Did he really just offer to…?_

“Unless I’m not your type. Lord knows I’m nowhere near as pretty as Wichita. And my hands ain’t soft.”

“No, I, uh, shit, um, thank you.” _Smooth. This is why you’re still a virgin._

Tallahassee’s cheeks were flushed, and he picked up his hat, covering his head. “You’re embarrassed. Wasn’t my intentions.”

“ _You’re_ embarrassed,” I echoed like a child. Not my proudest moment, but how the hell did Tallahassee cut through all my nonsense to the very heart of me? It didn’t seem fair that he knew me better than I did myself.

“Am not.” Tallahassee set his empty can on the coffee table.

“You’re blushing.” He was. And it gave me hope. That maybe he might enjoy touching me.

“So are you. What’s your point?”

“It’s not everyday your partner in zombie killing crime offers to jerk you off. I’m just surprised, you seem like you’re one of those macho guys who’s basically one hundred percent straight.”

“Well, I ain’t. I like to think I look past all that when it comes to attraction. Sexy is sexy. And that’s that.”

Leave it to Tallahassee to always be full of surprises. I forced myself to lift my chin and look at him. “I never really had a word for it, but I feel the same way.”

“Who cares if there’s a word for it. You gotta put a label or a rule onto everything. Doesn’t that get tiresome?”

“Wait. Can we back up a second? Do you really think I’m sexy?” My boldness caught me by surprise, but it seemed like my only opportunity to strike.

“I think people of all genders find me sexy, is what I meant.” Tallahassee winked, a gleam of mischief in his eyes that made my heart pound faster. 

_Gosh, he’s so full of shit._ I want to kiss that silly grin off his face. Make him notice me.

He leaned over and ruffled my hair, fingers tangling in my curls. “But you ain’t so bad. Kinda soft but angular and sharp all at once.”

My breath caught in my throat at the contact. Rough fingers massaged my scalp. “Mmm.” 

“What.”

“I like it when you touch me.”

“Is that so?” Tallahassee traced his thumb along my hairline and down my cheekbone before dropping his hand. He rubbed his stomach in that way he did when he was still hungry but didn’t want to admit it. Almost like he was willing the pangs away.

“I hope you made room for dessert.” I grabbed my bag so he wouldn’t think it was an innuendo. He needed more calories. I couldn’t live with myself if he lost those toned arms because I put my dick before anything else.

I loved the way Tallahassee’s eyes lit up whenever I mentioned dessert. Neither of us had much luck finding Twinkies, but I was always good for grabbing Oreo cookies or flaming hots, some of his runner up favorites. I dug through my bag and revealed the coveted box with a flourish of my hand.

“Goddamn Twinkies?! Is it my birthday? Christmas?” Tallahassee rubbed his hands together, a wide smile lighting up his crystal eyes.

“Just because.” I shrugged, like finding this impossible treat had been no big deal. “I spotted them in the snack aisle.”

“I could kiss you.” Tallahassee paused, taking the box from my hands. “I mean, well you know.”

“I know.” I tried winking but it came out more like an eye twitch. I really knew how to turn on the charm.

Tallahassee popped open two little plastic wraps. He shoved one Twinkie halfway in his mouth and handed me the other one. “God damn that’s good.” He moaned while he chewed.

I took the Twinkie, my fingers brushing against Tallahassee’s calloused hand. I considered his offer, wondered how it would feel to have those strong fingers around my dick, rubbing my length up and down, tugging… I shoved the Twinkie in my mouth and fiddled with my shirt collar with trembling fingers. When did it get so hot in here?

“Really good. Damn it to fuck.” Tallahassee had a dirty mouth even for something as innocent as eating Twinkies. 

_What would he say if I had his dick in my mouth? Would he moan, tug on my hair?_

“Columbus? You’re a good one.” Tallahassee pointed a finger at me. He stretched his arms wide and slumped back on the couch. I wanted to curl up beside him, feel his warmth and strength wrapped around me.

I swallowed the last of the Twinkie, and scooted closer to him. Moving slow and steady like I was approaching a grizzly bear, I took off his hat and tossed it on the coffee table between the two empty cans. 

“You make me feel safe.” I held his gaze. My words filled the silence softly, like a gentle breeze on a spring day. Days that I miss but wouldn’t trade knowing I ended up here— on this couch beside Tallahassee feeling more at home than I ever had. Even before Z-land.

He looked at me, eyebrows raised in quiet contemplation like I had just said the most important thing in the world. I had rendered him speechless, or worse, I’d horrified him.

So I did what I do best. Rambled as fast as I could. “And that’s saying something because even before the zombies, I rarely felt secure and I—”

“Are you gonna keep running your mouth or do I have to kiss those words off your lips?”

“I want you to kiss, I want to kiss…” I was breathless and hyperventilating, calm and excited, everything at once. I finally knew what I wanted, and the thought reassured and terrified me.

Tallahassee closed the space between us, pulling me closer to him. Nothing but gentle pecks on the corner of my mouth at first. “You want this?” he whispered, his breath hot and sweet (bless that Twinkie) on my mouth.

This was it. My one chance to get it right. To put into words what I wanted from Tallahassee, this man I desired more with each passing day. “Yes.” I shivered as I shook off my fears and insecurities. “Kiss me. Touch me. Do whatever you want with me. I want to be yours.” 

“Well, shit. That pretty mouth can say so much more than all them rules and fears.” Tallahassee traced his thumb along my lower lip. The firm but gentle touch of his thick calloused digit was like a direct line to my dick. A hungry mouth replaced his thumb, sucking on my lip until it was swollen. The wet heat of his lips sent jolts of pleasure to my groin, making me half-hard.

I climbed onto his lap and he shifted on the couch to accommodate me, wrapping his arms around me to hold me in place. I thrusted forward, my groin on fire, trying to grind against his hips, his belly, anywhere I could rub to find sweet relief. I ached with need, like I’d burst into flames if my dick stayed untouched.

“Take it out,” Tallahassee growled, his voice dripping with the same hunger that I felt deep within, that burned in my gut and pounded against my ribs.

I reached for his zipper and pulled it down in one swift motion. I cupped his hard length over the soft flimsy fabric of his briefs.

He hissed at the contact. “I meant yours, but I won’t complain.”

I could hear the smile in his words. _Smart ass._ I squeezed his dick and ran my thumb over the head.

“Fuck,” Tallahassee grunted, unzipping my jeans and tugging at my boxers. He pulled out my dick before I could smirk about getting him to grunt and curse so easily. There wasn’t time to gloat when you were a whimpering mess.

“Oh, Talla...fuck me...Jesus.” I bit my lower lip to stop the ridiculous river of words flowing out of my mouth. 

“You got a beauty, if I do say so.” Tallahassee was rubbing the head of my dick with his thumb, slicking his fingers with my pre-come. He touched me like he had done it a million times before. Like he knew just what to do to make me come undone.

I couldn’t speak. I watched him stroke and caress my length like my dick was something precious. My jaw went slack.

“Seeing as this is your first rodeo. Why don’t we make this about you.” Tallahassee didn’t ask. He took my shaking fingers off his hard dick, still tucked in his briefs, and set my hand on his shoulder. “You might wanna hold onto me.”

I couldn’t ask for a better first time than this. He wanted to make me feel good. Wanted me to remember this as something special. His voice was low, that drawl doing things to my stomach, making it backflip and cartwheel.

Once his hand was slicked up, he stroked me. Slow at first. My toes curled at the gentle torture. “Need more.”

“That’s it, boy. Tell me how you like it.”

“Faster,” I pleaded, meeting his eyes for a moment. He gave me a wink and squeezed my balls.

I yelped, and if it didn’t feel so damn good I’d be embarrassed. But Tallahassee didn’t miss a beat. He just kept on stroking me while I gripped his back, muscles rippling in his shoulders. I thrusted my hips to match his pumps.

“You like that, huh?” He nipped my earlobe. “You got a nice pair on ya. Had to touch ‘em.” He stroked me up and down, and then let go to tug my balls again.

“Oh, fuck,” I whined. 

“Good. I like hearing all your noises.”

I glanced at his briefs, his erection looked painful trapped inside. “What about you?” 

“My mission is to make you come all over my hand. So are you gonna come for me?” He bit my lower lip, not hard enough to break the skin, but enough to bruise. And goodness, yes, I wanted him to mark me. Make me his.

“Ye-yes.”

He grabbed my dick and sucked the middle finger of his other hand into his mouth. After his finger was dripping with saliva, he grabbed my ass. I jerked forward, my head still spinning as he managed to keep up the pace with my dick. He stroked his thumb along the sensitive skin behind my balls, and shivers of pleasure sparked through me. The rough but slick pad of his middle finger circled my hole, teasing me.

“Is this okay for you?” he asked. His voice was rough and gravelly, but the tone was tender.

Yes, it was more than okay. I trusted him to stop if it was too much. I nodded, speechless yet again.

“Columbus, you tell me to stop if you don’t like it, you hear me?” He squeezed my ass.

“Ye-yes.”

He stuck his finger inside me, and a helpless moan escaped my lips. I clenched my ass around him at the intrusion and then forced myself to relax my muscles, surprised at how fucking fantastic his finger felt. “Oh. Shit.”

“You like that?” His gaze could have burned my retinas. Like he had a lie detector hidden behind his eyes, checking to make sure I wasn’t going along for his sake.

“Fuck yes, I do. Your finger...shit…that feels so good...” I wasn’t sure how he expected me to be coherent when he was still stroking my dick with perfect rhythm like I was a Fender guitar and his middle finger was fucking my insides.

“Shit, you’re tight.” He pushed his finger deeper, never stopping the motion of his hand on my throbbing dick. I pushed my ass back onto his hand, fucking myself on his finger, suddenly wishing he had another inside me.

“Damn. You really can move that ass, boy.” His eyes were hazy. I knew he was aching. I was so close to the edge, but I tugged at his briefs, pulling them down until his dick sprang out. I followed his lead, coating my fingers with his pre-come to slick him.

“Oh no ya don’t. I’m making you come first.”

_Always a competition._ I’d roll my eyes if they weren’t already rolled back in ecstasy. 

He pushed another finger inside me, and curled them, hitting a spot that made me come with a shout. I shot my load all over his hand in fast spurts beyond my control while shockwaves of bliss coursed through me.

Tallahassee gripped my back, and I went boneless in his embrace. My first time coming with someone there to hold me. It was better than I could have imagined. I let go of his dick, conceding for now, and he pulled me tight against him.

“Fuck.” I nuzzled his chest, breathing in his scent: sweat and gunpowder and baked beans. “That was—”

“I know.” He stroked the back of my head, his fingers tangled in my curls. 

His dick twitched against my spent one. 

“What about you?” I reached for him, but he stopped my hand.

“I’m all right. I liked watching you on my lap. The way your cheeks flushed all those fine shades of red. Those pretty kiss swollen lips of yours.”

I felt my cheeks heat and flush again, soaking up his words of praise.

Tallahassee took my chin in his hand. “You looked peaceful, like you didn’t have a worry in the world, at least for a little while.”

He dropped his hand, and I leaned in to kiss his chest over his t-shirt, the beating of his heart pulsing against my lips. “I’d like to get you out of these clothes and make you come.”

“You drive me half-crazy, little spitfuck. I already told ya tonight wasn’t for me.”

I looked up at him and frowned. 

“I had a good time, even if this raging hard on has a right mind to kill me.” Tallahassee flashed me another devilish smile. 

I reached for him again, thinking he wanted me to touch him, but he pushed my hand away. “It’ll pass. Can’t you just let me give you something? You’re a good guy, Columbus, even if you annoy the fuck out of me sometimes.”

“Hey,” I half-protested, the waves of euphoria still crashing over me. 

“Just let yourself have this. And when you’re ready, we can explore new territory together.”

“Like the Pacific Northwest?” I teased, all wide-eyed and feigning innocence.

“Smartass.” He patted my bare ass with his warm hand. “Goddamn, your skin is so smooth. Wonder if you taste as creamy as you look.”

I stifled a moan, biting my lower lip, and tried to take hold of my imagination so I wouldn’t get hard again so soon.

“Tomorrow night.” He kissed the corner of my mouth. “You can have your way with me.”

He said it like we had all the time in the world. Like there wasn’t a zombie plague fighting to claim us as one of their own. Tallahassee spoke with conviction, like they were the truest words he had ever said. So I let out the breath I’d been holding, and I believed him.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. My love for this ship was revived after watching Double Tap. I might add another one-shot or two and make it a series if readers want more.


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